Sexboat scandal

As we all know, democracy doesn't work. The wise old owls at Versus Sexboat knew this all along, actually. It's why they only go to vote if the pub is on the way.

What we really believe in, then, is that we don't want to watch Marley & Me, the piece of shit dogbound weepy with her out of Friends and him with the nose in it, shooting their labrador in the face with a blunderbuss. No way no how. A number of straws, clearly, needed to be clutched at.

One possible avenue for a get-out clause we discussed was that, like the French economy, Sexboat (1980) has now been downgraded to a mere 6.8 on IMDb.com. However, we'd already discussed the vagaries of the rating system and our intricate series of cut-off points and safeguards. Bugger.

But then, a godsend. Dotmund's mum's terminal illness took a turn for the worse. All celebrated wildly, as rogue elements came out of the woodwork and admitted to us that they may well have nobbled the previous vote in favour of Marley & Me, but that given the new circumstances, the most lachrymose film ever made is probably not what we all needed to see right now.

So, we have disregarded the results of the previous film vote. We could have moved down the line and watched the second-place choice, The Inbetweeners Movie, but as we all know from an actual referendum, Britain is morally opposed to the Alternate Vote electoral system. Plus Nick Clegg is a fucking cunt.

So, what will be the subject of our next podcast? I'm not sure. I considered the possibility of putting up a new vote, but then I realised you'd all abused your privileges and therefore needed to be punished. As such, I think we will pick. So if you don't like it, you only have yourselves to blame.

And the Greeks, for inventing democracy in the first place.

Our next film: Marley and Me

cunt

The people have decided on the next film we should watch for Versus Sexboat. The results were as follows:

Marley & Me 48% (13 votes)
The Inbetweeners Movie 25% (7)
Thunderball 17% (5)
Soylent Green 10% (3)

Total number of votes cast: 28
Total number of abstentions: 6,999,999,972

So, our next film will be fucking Marley & motherfucking wanking shitting cunting shit-up-your-dick wank-in-your-fucking-pants Me. We're all looking forward to it.

In more exciting news, Sexboat's IMDb rating today plunged to an unprecedented low of 6.8 out of 10, throwing up all manner of new possibilities for future podcasts. Whether or not we allow you lot to vote on them again, however, is very much up in the air. You bastards.

A big blow for democracy

In our sidebar, you must surely have noticed that there are four films which form our latest podcast vote. This means that you, the rabble, can directly influence the next film that gets the now legendary Versus Sexboat treatment. Obviously, there are issues within that, particularly for any of you who feel that voting systems are flawed and unrepresentative. However, it's probably best to leave such concerns to one side unless you want them to consume you.

To assist you with making an informed choice, we have decided to provide a little bit of extra information about each of our choices, which as of our most recent cut-off point (Sunday 19th February) were all rated the same as Sexboat (1980) on IMDb.com (7.0).

Marley & Me (2008)
This based-on-a-true-story sentimental dog adventure stars Owen "nose" Wilson and Jennifer "nosejob" Aniston. A newly married couple, Ethel and Norris Steamboat, move from chilly Michigan to the warmth of Florida. There they both get a plum job at rival local newspapers, The Florida Herald and The Florida Beagle. As the couple start to consider starting a family, a colleague suggest they try to get a dog first to see if they are ready for such a responsibility. This is how they come to own Marley, a particularly dog-like dog, whose dog-like behaviour patterns provide Norris plenty of ammunition for a column about the ha-ha-hilarious trials and tribulations of dog ownership, which becomes a hit in his paper.

Marley & Me is a story of some people's lives, basically. And the dog dies at the end because that is what pets do. You love them and then they die and make you sad. Apart from tortoises, but tortoises don't get up to as many rambunctious mishaps and therefore make worse films. And tortoises do of course actually die. Imagine having a pet tortoise die on you. What a kick in the nuts that would be. You may as well have gotten a hamster, at least you can pet a hamster.

Soylent Green (1973)
A futuristic science-fiction adventure, set on an overpopulated, polluted and environmentally compromised  (where do people get their ideas?) future Earth in 2022. Much of the population of the planet are forced to live on processed food rations, including the mysterious and delicious Soylent Green (like in the title). A police officer and a scholar set out to discover the delicious secrets of this mysterious puck of life-giving protein goodness, advertised as plankton-based. After they find out that the globally warmed oceans are in fact no longer capable of sustaining a population of plankton, they make a shocking discovery about what the manufacturer has begun to substitute for our single-celled fishy friends. Yes, like Sexboat itself, when all is said and done, Soylent Green is people.

The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)
Following the completion of their A Level exams, four 18-year olds not dissimilar to the leading characters in the Channel 4 comedy series The Inbetweeners head off to Crete for a holiday before they all make their way in the world. In a desperate attempt to do a variety of things which are by now both legally and socially acceptable for them to do - such as drink alcohol and have sexical intercourse - our heroes naturally find a way of making a mess of it, probably. I should think. Those japesters.

Thunderball (1965)
Two nuclear warheads have been stolen by impeccably evil supervillain Emil Largo, who will probably use them to blow stuff up or as ballast for his yacht. Either way, he is not going to give them back to their rightful owner unless he receives $100 million in diamonds, which is a bit steep. Luckily, fully licensed secret agent James Bond is sent on the case, ready with all manner of underwater gadgetry and a bumper pack of rubber johnnies to thwart the evil Largo's scheme and have a lot of casual sex. Some of both the former and the latter takes place on or near a boat.

So there you have it, the four choices! Voting closes on Friday evening this week, so don't pontificate about your choice for too long, or there's a risk we'll lose interest and just keep on watching 4-minute long train rides whilst drinking paraquat.

Podcast 4: London to Brighton (1903-present) versus Sexboat

Hello. We at Versus Sexboat have done one of those accidental podcasts. Inspired entirely by the heady whiff of the boozer and the dazzlingly unfortunate coincidence that London to Brighton in 4 minutes was rated 7.0 on IMDb.com for about 20 seconds last night, we got the microphone out quick sharp and then when we'd found the cable, plugged it in and did a podcod. This is not to say that it is half-arsed. The Versus Sexboat crew is made up of a born-and-bred Brightonian, an almost entirely bred Brightonian and Betsy, who has lived in Brighton for 5 years and has ALSO LIVED IN LONDON. This leaves us ideally placed to pass judgement on sped-up films of train journeys from London Victoria Station to Brighton Station, which is in Brighton.



So, hardened by local pride, sugar and some alcohol, we watched a selection of these classic railway adventures before subjecting them to our now-legendary Five Characteristics of a Good Film test to determine if they could teach Sexboat a thing or two. In the end, they ended up teaching us all a thing or two ABOUT OURSELVES, about each other and quite a lot about Dotmund that no-one wanted to know.

The original notes for the apology, which Betsy refused to read for an almost infinite number
of very good reasons. Note also apology about Striding's car, later abandoned

The key source material here was the 1953 BBC television interlude film, which you can watch in all its glory here, but also a film of the same journey in 1903 and another more recent one. Our films therefore spanned over a hundred years of British history, two world wars and one world cup and all that. All that in just under 15 minutes! Compare that to Sexboat (1980), which only seems like it spans more than a hundred years. Which will prevail? Which one will win the coveted Sex category? And which way does your erection point? Find out now in the next 39 minutes of your actual life.

Podcast 3: Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) versus Sexboat

Science and democracy were at least satisfied when the Versus Sexboat crew finally managed to commit their considered review of Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) to tape this weekend. However, satisfaction from all other quarters is by no means guaranteed. Could it have been the perry? Or the fact that Dotmund had worn himself out yomping round a farm all morning, making fun of a big chicken? Either way, it's arguable that our normal levels of cutting insight may have been somewhat askew as we reach a particularly controversial conclusion.

It's perhaps the strongest argument yet for universal suffrage. The audio equivalent of throwing yourself in front of the King's horse. Get your ears on the outside of this and tell us what you think! Bonus points will be given for people able to do so without swearing or saying bad things about our mums.



Please also note that we have a new podcast vote in our sidebar. There are four films to choose from - our fifth choice had to be abandoned because some idiot made its rating go up to 7.1 on IMDb. Keep your eyes peeled for blog posts about each of our choices in the coming days.

This time, definitely

As our growing band of loyal Sexboateers will be only too aware, our grand plan to be democratic and let you choose our next film ran aground (boating metaphor) when we discovered at rather-too-crucial a stage (i.e. we'd just got back from the boozer ready to start watching the film and taking notes) that we did not in fact have a copy of Die Hard 2 (1990). Boy, were our faces red. Our noses were, certainly.

However, our spirits and livers hardened by potential failure, we still managed to get a good podcast out of it, as you will know. In fact, Podcast 2, The Good Life (1975) versus Sexboat (1980) has just won the prestigious Prix de Rome Podcast Gold avex Sexy Boatsex at this year's ceremony in Royal Wootton Bassett.

However, this weekend, democracy will once again prove to be a good thing, unlike YOU thought as Podcast 3 emerges from the waves (boating metaphor) and comes in your ears. How will we rate the gun-heavy exploits of John McClane as he systematically destroys Washington D.C.'s Dulles Airport on Christmas Eve, against the cock-heavy antics of those two blokes who stowaway on a boat and turn it into a sexboat by systematically destroying every available vagina? And will any of our decisions be swayed by the fact that Betsy's mum has a crush on Dennis Franz?

Keep your eyes peeled for the next film vote which will be announced on this very blog next week. Also, hopefully we will soon be ready to announce some exciting news about guest commentators on future Versus Sexboat podcasts, just as soon as we've managed to break some people out of the psychiatric hospital that watching Sexboat (1980) put them in.

Please note: There are still a few hours left to vote for the beverage that will fuel our Die Hard 2 podcast! You can make your choice in our sidebar to the right of the page. Go on! The worst that can happen is that we'll ignore it (we probably will).

Podcast 2: The Good Life (1975) Versus Sexboat

The second edition of the Versus Sexboat podcast is brought to you by abject failure. Having established a vote so that you, our loyal fans, could choose the next film we watched, we noticed at a rather too crucial stage that we did not in fact have a copy of Die Hard 2: Die Harder.

Ever resourceful, however, we moved to our backup plan: the only episode of the powerfully sexual 1970s British sitcom The Good Life to be rated 7.0 on IMDb.com. The Thing in the Cellar (1975) is the fifth episode of the first series, and revolves around Tom Good's construction of a poo-powered electricity generator in his cellar.

We hope you won't notice that it is not Die Hard 2: Die Harder, which features almost no electricity generated by faeces. We will do it next time though. We've even got a copy of the film now, which is a pretty good start I think you'll have to agree.

The Good Life (1975) Vs Sexboat (1980) by 5olly