Sexboat scandal

As we all know, democracy doesn't work. The wise old owls at Versus Sexboat knew this all along, actually. It's why they only go to vote if the pub is on the way.

What we really believe in, then, is that we don't want to watch Marley & Me, the piece of shit dogbound weepy with her out of Friends and him with the nose in it, shooting their labrador in the face with a blunderbuss. No way no how. A number of straws, clearly, needed to be clutched at.

One possible avenue for a get-out clause we discussed was that, like the French economy, Sexboat (1980) has now been downgraded to a mere 6.8 on IMDb.com. However, we'd already discussed the vagaries of the rating system and our intricate series of cut-off points and safeguards. Bugger.

But then, a godsend. Dotmund's mum's terminal illness took a turn for the worse. All celebrated wildly, as rogue elements came out of the woodwork and admitted to us that they may well have nobbled the previous vote in favour of Marley & Me, but that given the new circumstances, the most lachrymose film ever made is probably not what we all needed to see right now.

So, we have disregarded the results of the previous film vote. We could have moved down the line and watched the second-place choice, The Inbetweeners Movie, but as we all know from an actual referendum, Britain is morally opposed to the Alternate Vote electoral system. Plus Nick Clegg is a fucking cunt.

So, what will be the subject of our next podcast? I'm not sure. I considered the possibility of putting up a new vote, but then I realised you'd all abused your privileges and therefore needed to be punished. As such, I think we will pick. So if you don't like it, you only have yourselves to blame.

And the Greeks, for inventing democracy in the first place.

Our next film: Marley and Me

cunt

The people have decided on the next film we should watch for Versus Sexboat. The results were as follows:

Marley & Me 48% (13 votes)
The Inbetweeners Movie 25% (7)
Thunderball 17% (5)
Soylent Green 10% (3)

Total number of votes cast: 28
Total number of abstentions: 6,999,999,972

So, our next film will be fucking Marley & motherfucking wanking shitting cunting shit-up-your-dick wank-in-your-fucking-pants Me. We're all looking forward to it.

In more exciting news, Sexboat's IMDb rating today plunged to an unprecedented low of 6.8 out of 10, throwing up all manner of new possibilities for future podcasts. Whether or not we allow you lot to vote on them again, however, is very much up in the air. You bastards.

A big blow for democracy

In our sidebar, you must surely have noticed that there are four films which form our latest podcast vote. This means that you, the rabble, can directly influence the next film that gets the now legendary Versus Sexboat treatment. Obviously, there are issues within that, particularly for any of you who feel that voting systems are flawed and unrepresentative. However, it's probably best to leave such concerns to one side unless you want them to consume you.

To assist you with making an informed choice, we have decided to provide a little bit of extra information about each of our choices, which as of our most recent cut-off point (Sunday 19th February) were all rated the same as Sexboat (1980) on IMDb.com (7.0).

Marley & Me (2008)
This based-on-a-true-story sentimental dog adventure stars Owen "nose" Wilson and Jennifer "nosejob" Aniston. A newly married couple, Ethel and Norris Steamboat, move from chilly Michigan to the warmth of Florida. There they both get a plum job at rival local newspapers, The Florida Herald and The Florida Beagle. As the couple start to consider starting a family, a colleague suggest they try to get a dog first to see if they are ready for such a responsibility. This is how they come to own Marley, a particularly dog-like dog, whose dog-like behaviour patterns provide Norris plenty of ammunition for a column about the ha-ha-hilarious trials and tribulations of dog ownership, which becomes a hit in his paper.

Marley & Me is a story of some people's lives, basically. And the dog dies at the end because that is what pets do. You love them and then they die and make you sad. Apart from tortoises, but tortoises don't get up to as many rambunctious mishaps and therefore make worse films. And tortoises do of course actually die. Imagine having a pet tortoise die on you. What a kick in the nuts that would be. You may as well have gotten a hamster, at least you can pet a hamster.

Soylent Green (1973)
A futuristic science-fiction adventure, set on an overpopulated, polluted and environmentally compromised  (where do people get their ideas?) future Earth in 2022. Much of the population of the planet are forced to live on processed food rations, including the mysterious and delicious Soylent Green (like in the title). A police officer and a scholar set out to discover the delicious secrets of this mysterious puck of life-giving protein goodness, advertised as plankton-based. After they find out that the globally warmed oceans are in fact no longer capable of sustaining a population of plankton, they make a shocking discovery about what the manufacturer has begun to substitute for our single-celled fishy friends. Yes, like Sexboat itself, when all is said and done, Soylent Green is people.

The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)
Following the completion of their A Level exams, four 18-year olds not dissimilar to the leading characters in the Channel 4 comedy series The Inbetweeners head off to Crete for a holiday before they all make their way in the world. In a desperate attempt to do a variety of things which are by now both legally and socially acceptable for them to do - such as drink alcohol and have sexical intercourse - our heroes naturally find a way of making a mess of it, probably. I should think. Those japesters.

Thunderball (1965)
Two nuclear warheads have been stolen by impeccably evil supervillain Emil Largo, who will probably use them to blow stuff up or as ballast for his yacht. Either way, he is not going to give them back to their rightful owner unless he receives $100 million in diamonds, which is a bit steep. Luckily, fully licensed secret agent James Bond is sent on the case, ready with all manner of underwater gadgetry and a bumper pack of rubber johnnies to thwart the evil Largo's scheme and have a lot of casual sex. Some of both the former and the latter takes place on or near a boat.

So there you have it, the four choices! Voting closes on Friday evening this week, so don't pontificate about your choice for too long, or there's a risk we'll lose interest and just keep on watching 4-minute long train rides whilst drinking paraquat.

Podcast 4: London to Brighton (1903-present) versus Sexboat

Hello. We at Versus Sexboat have done one of those accidental podcasts. Inspired entirely by the heady whiff of the boozer and the dazzlingly unfortunate coincidence that London to Brighton in 4 minutes was rated 7.0 on IMDb.com for about 20 seconds last night, we got the microphone out quick sharp and then when we'd found the cable, plugged it in and did a podcod. This is not to say that it is half-arsed. The Versus Sexboat crew is made up of a born-and-bred Brightonian, an almost entirely bred Brightonian and Betsy, who has lived in Brighton for 5 years and has ALSO LIVED IN LONDON. This leaves us ideally placed to pass judgement on sped-up films of train journeys from London Victoria Station to Brighton Station, which is in Brighton.



So, hardened by local pride, sugar and some alcohol, we watched a selection of these classic railway adventures before subjecting them to our now-legendary Five Characteristics of a Good Film test to determine if they could teach Sexboat a thing or two. In the end, they ended up teaching us all a thing or two ABOUT OURSELVES, about each other and quite a lot about Dotmund that no-one wanted to know.

The original notes for the apology, which Betsy refused to read for an almost infinite number
of very good reasons. Note also apology about Striding's car, later abandoned

The key source material here was the 1953 BBC television interlude film, which you can watch in all its glory here, but also a film of the same journey in 1903 and another more recent one. Our films therefore spanned over a hundred years of British history, two world wars and one world cup and all that. All that in just under 15 minutes! Compare that to Sexboat (1980), which only seems like it spans more than a hundred years. Which will prevail? Which one will win the coveted Sex category? And which way does your erection point? Find out now in the next 39 minutes of your actual life.

Podcast 3: Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) versus Sexboat

Science and democracy were at least satisfied when the Versus Sexboat crew finally managed to commit their considered review of Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) to tape this weekend. However, satisfaction from all other quarters is by no means guaranteed. Could it have been the perry? Or the fact that Dotmund had worn himself out yomping round a farm all morning, making fun of a big chicken? Either way, it's arguable that our normal levels of cutting insight may have been somewhat askew as we reach a particularly controversial conclusion.

It's perhaps the strongest argument yet for universal suffrage. The audio equivalent of throwing yourself in front of the King's horse. Get your ears on the outside of this and tell us what you think! Bonus points will be given for people able to do so without swearing or saying bad things about our mums.



Please also note that we have a new podcast vote in our sidebar. There are four films to choose from - our fifth choice had to be abandoned because some idiot made its rating go up to 7.1 on IMDb. Keep your eyes peeled for blog posts about each of our choices in the coming days.

This time, definitely

As our growing band of loyal Sexboateers will be only too aware, our grand plan to be democratic and let you choose our next film ran aground (boating metaphor) when we discovered at rather-too-crucial a stage (i.e. we'd just got back from the boozer ready to start watching the film and taking notes) that we did not in fact have a copy of Die Hard 2 (1990). Boy, were our faces red. Our noses were, certainly.

However, our spirits and livers hardened by potential failure, we still managed to get a good podcast out of it, as you will know. In fact, Podcast 2, The Good Life (1975) versus Sexboat (1980) has just won the prestigious Prix de Rome Podcast Gold avex Sexy Boatsex at this year's ceremony in Royal Wootton Bassett.

However, this weekend, democracy will once again prove to be a good thing, unlike YOU thought as Podcast 3 emerges from the waves (boating metaphor) and comes in your ears. How will we rate the gun-heavy exploits of John McClane as he systematically destroys Washington D.C.'s Dulles Airport on Christmas Eve, against the cock-heavy antics of those two blokes who stowaway on a boat and turn it into a sexboat by systematically destroying every available vagina? And will any of our decisions be swayed by the fact that Betsy's mum has a crush on Dennis Franz?

Keep your eyes peeled for the next film vote which will be announced on this very blog next week. Also, hopefully we will soon be ready to announce some exciting news about guest commentators on future Versus Sexboat podcasts, just as soon as we've managed to break some people out of the psychiatric hospital that watching Sexboat (1980) put them in.

Please note: There are still a few hours left to vote for the beverage that will fuel our Die Hard 2 podcast! You can make your choice in our sidebar to the right of the page. Go on! The worst that can happen is that we'll ignore it (we probably will).

Podcast 2: The Good Life (1975) Versus Sexboat

The second edition of the Versus Sexboat podcast is brought to you by abject failure. Having established a vote so that you, our loyal fans, could choose the next film we watched, we noticed at a rather too crucial stage that we did not in fact have a copy of Die Hard 2: Die Harder.

Ever resourceful, however, we moved to our backup plan: the only episode of the powerfully sexual 1970s British sitcom The Good Life to be rated 7.0 on IMDb.com. The Thing in the Cellar (1975) is the fifth episode of the first series, and revolves around Tom Good's construction of a poo-powered electricity generator in his cellar.

We hope you won't notice that it is not Die Hard 2: Die Harder, which features almost no electricity generated by faeces. We will do it next time though. We've even got a copy of the film now, which is a pretty good start I think you'll have to agree.

The Good Life (1975) Vs Sexboat (1980) by 5olly

Watch with mother

As many as our avid followers are aware, this blog is all about Sexboat (1980).
However, what few people will admit is that they've actually seen it.

Well now I'm here to fix that!

Admittedly I won't force anyone to watch the whole thing. The Plot might be considered too deep, the Characterisation too flawed, and let's admit it, the Modes of Transportation however are a completely different matter. But anyway, I'm not discussing one or the other in this blog post.

A hopefully unnecessary WARNING: This film, as you may already have guessed, is a PORNOGRAPHIC FILM and therefore contains scenes of your actual real-life monkey business. Please don't complain to us if you decided to show it to your kids. We will laugh at you. We honestly will.

Oh my god! A proper fucking review! (translated from French, via Google)

Oh my god! A proper fucking Sexboat (1980) review! (translated from French, via Google)

Film Critique

Of AlHolg , August 5, 2010

"Absolutely, we all stick together Have To."

Sharon goes home and is expected by her husband Mark who discovered his affair with Sat . On the eve of sending the infidel for a cruise of six weeks only female crew understood, he forces her to know her lover one last time and photograph their antics. He then attaches it to the pool to offer him the spectacle of the intimate trio he forms with the redheadColleen and blonde Cindy . At the beginning of his eighteen years and willing exhibitionist in favor of his driver, Laura L.Walker was also strongly invited to the sea crossing by her prudish Aunt Martha . To board the ship, the driver and his friend Roscoe had the idea of dressing up, posing asElizabeth Conan Doyle and Rosemary 'Rosie' Whales . Their physiological their worth quickly a hit with passengers but also the suspicion of Melanie , the purser. Their sudden appearance frightened also, soon after, two open-cleaning foam on the top deck.

Cross parody of the popular comedy series The Love Boat * of Aaron Spelling , which aired from September 1977, and the excellent Some Like it Hot of Wilder , this first film of versatile David I. Frazer (editor of Ultra Flesh , the second and last film of Svetlana , including as co-director of Bad Girls III with Traci Lords ) is once again the fool's game, deception spring from its original plot. This applies also for the production, which attempts throughout the film to take the viewer bladders for lanterns ... sorry, a yacht for a cruise.The strength of the pitch leaving something to be desired after three quarters of an hour, unless falling into repetitive, imagine the scenario of a collision unlikely pirate captainScabbard . Sexboat then turns to the cruise delirium , which is irrelevant since he had no real direction. And the copious female cast, as in 800 Fantasy Lane (see review] , proves the first choice.
___ * in which, remember, an efficient and friendly crew was trying to best meet the passengers and where, after some trivial complications, love always ended by triumphing!

---

Answer

Review DVD

Instruments of pleasure - Sex Boat  Zone 2, France Publisher: Wild Side Video Released: September 8, 2010 Video format: 4 / 3 Audio: English (DD 2.0 Mono), French (DD 2.0 Mono) Subtitles: French Extras: Interview

Technical Note: 5 / 6

Image & sound: an edition technically convincing. The general impression left by the restored image is not disturbed by the rise of grain in the backgrounds of scenes of interiors. Original mono track properly, quite clearly missing the vf-serious medium.

Our next film - Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

Rejoicing is unconfined at Versus Sexboat this morning (well, 66.6% of it, 5olly voted for Puss In Boots) as the results of our poll to decide our next film are in and the winner is Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990). A late surge took it across the line with just hours to spare! The full results were as follows:

1st: Die Hard 2 - 6 votes (37%)
2nd: Crank - 5 votes (31%)
2nd: Puss In Boots - 5 votes (31%)
4th: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - 0 votes (0%)

Total votes: 16
Abstentions: 6,999,999,984

W. B. Willis in action

So, our next podcast will pit the endless virtues of Sexboat (1980) against Renny Harlin's action-adventure Christmas fairytale Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990). Will the story of Bruce Willis pitting his wits and courage against a band of ex-military terrorists on Christmas Eve with a weather eye on saving his wife so that they can have a bunk up prevail? And how many times does Dennis Franz say "fuck"? All these questions and more will be, if not answered, then at least asked.

Hopefully the next Versus Sexboat podcast will be along in the next week or so, depending on how much we drink (we tried to record one for the Podcast Wank Bank on Saturday but 5olly fell asleep and I drew a tortoise instead of making notes).

A tortoise

Vote 2012

You've got just two days left to vote for which film we review in Versus Sexboat podcast 2! Our current leader is Puss In Boots but all that could well change if you just pull your fucking finger out. If you wish to vote, you can do so in our sidebar.

A word about a potentially contentious issue. Puss In Boots was rated as 7.0 as our project began and, as such, made our film list. It was from that list that we made our shortlist for the podcast 2 vote. However, as is possible with IMDb's rating system, Puss In Boots' rating is currently a completely lousy 6.9. However, we will still review it should it win.

For the avoidance of doubt: the shortlist for all podcasts will have a decision date, at which time all the films would have been rated the same as Sexboat. We accept that these ratings are subject to change in the intervening period. However, that is the nature of the IMDb rating system. We hope and believe that it should not seriously distort the scientific value of our review or your enjoyment of the podcast. Or our alcohol intake.

The problem with pornos

What's the biggest problem with pornographic films? Well, some people would argue that it's the rather one-dimensional spectre of watching a load of people pumping away inside each other. However, I think this actually misses the real point. They are generally not brilliantly written - things like plot and story take a back seat to the necessity for hardcore hot cock fanny action - but worse still is that they are terribly acted.

It's not entirely the fault of the pornographer. Whilst they may have graduated from film school with a pocket full of dreams and barely a semi, the fact is that no matter how lofty your ambitions, if you make a pornographic film you are rather hamstrung by the quality of actors you can get.

Hollywood's star system versus Sexboat (1980)

You've probably heard people like Tom Cruise or Kate Winslet say things like, "I feel that now is the time in my career for a challenge, so what I'd really like to do is try comedy". The vaulting ambition of the actor does not extend far enough for George Clooney to say, "for my next film role I want to do scud porn".

It's something of a Catch-22 situation. Until a big star takes the leap into porn, the reputation of the porn film is likely to remain the same. But their reputation will not be boosted until they can attract the big names with artistic integrity.

Will the day ever come that, instead of the noted career trajectory of "Porn-Hollywood-Tabloid scandal-I was young and needed the money-Renaissance-Academy Award" ever be inverted? We can but hope. And hope also that if such a thing ever happens and such a film is ever made, that it is rated 7.0 on IMDb.com.

New criterion: The Kelly McGillis test

Even within the framework of our infallible Five Characteristics test, we have to admit that there is scope for refinement. There is a lot of subjectivity to deciding who will prevail and get the point for each criteria. Over the coming weeks we will be trying to refine these with a number of foolproof tests and tiebreakers, so as to improve our accuracy at film reviewing.

Today, a look at a way to boost the accuracy of the first of our criteria, CHARACTERS.

The believability of a character in a film or an actor's portrayal are incredibly subjective. Every film viewer brings with them different life experiences. Maybe some will have met a person just like the Captain from Sexboat, whereas others will find the whole thing ludicrously contrived. We need something that we can all agree on.

And what everyone can agree on is that Kelly McGillis is the finest actress of all time. She has been in at least two films, for starters. Also, in both of them she ends up getting shagged, which makes her an ideal reference point when comparing anything to Sexboat (1980). In future, where we just can't decide if our featured film or Sexboat has the best characters, we will be asking: "which film do you think Kelly McGillis would rather be in?".

In this surefire way, you can guarantee the absolute accuracy of our assessment of the characters criteria.

Sexboat democracy

Here at Versus Sexboat we have a list of films to watch, all of which were also rated 7.0 out of 10 on IMDb on the day we began planning this project, Sunday 15th January 2012 (one of them has since slipped to a pathetic 6.9). It is a fearsome list - an IMDb search for things rated 7.0 runs to over 11,000 titles - and as we are usually drunk and always stupid (Betsy aside) we realised the best way to go about choosing the next film to watch would be to ask our listeners.

So this is what we have done. In the sidebar over to the right of the page you will find a POLL. Here you can vote for which one of the four films we should watch for the second Versus Sexboat podcast. More information about the films can be found here:

Crank (2006)
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)
Puss In Boots (2011)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Voting closes at Midnight on Tuesday 31st January 2012. Drinking commences shortly after that.

Podcast 1: Grease (1978) Versus Sexboat

Versus Sexboat is a podcast which aims to fill a knowledge gap. Even with all the advantages of the modern world, there will come a time when you're trying to pick a film to watch but your choices have the exact same rating on IMDb.com. We all know that no two films are alike. This is the blindspot of the film review and rating system. Versus Sexboat is the podcast equivalent of those little extra car door mirrors that people who tow caravan stick on.

What we need is a control subject. We chose Sexboat (1980), the high seas comedy porn romp, rated on Sunday January 15th 2012 at IMDb.com as 7.0 out of 10. Every edition of the Versus Sexboat podcast, we will take another film rated 7.0 by the same site and pit its strengths and weaknesses against the established baseline of Sexboat to see which prevails. There'll be no winner stays on or any such gimmick: we're trying to be scientific here!

The first 7.0-rated film to run the Sexboat gauntlet was Grease (1978), the seminal  romantic comedy musical set in 1950s America where cars were beautiful, milkshakes were plentiful, quiffs were obligatory and the minimum age for High School graduation was seemingly 35. Grease is a film beloved of many people, but is it better than Sexboat? Join the Versus Sexboat crew 5olly, Betsy and Dotmund as they try and figure this out using their patented Five Characteristics of a Great Film criteria.

PLEASE NOTE: The Versus Sexboat podcast contains swearing and discussions of an adult, sexual and downright pig ignorant nature and is not intended for minors. Or even miners, probably.

Grease (1978) Vs. Sexboat (1980) by 5olly

The Five Characteristics of a Good Film

Here at Versus Sexboat, we quickly realised that comparing films to Sexboat (1980) would be futile without an understanding of what makes a film great in the first place. So after literally minutes of thought, we (your heroes) decided on this five-point list of criteria on which every film's strengths and weaknesses will be assessed.

1. Characters
Characters are pretty important things to have in a film. Otherwise you'd just be looking at a photograph of a tree. But even then you'd be trying to project a personality onto that tree, or imagining that there was a squirrel or an owl in it. This first category also includes aspects of acting performances, another vital cog in any good film's engine.

2. Storyline and plot
Storyline is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a series of completely random images: a tree, a crying child, a herd of bison, Terry Venables. But even then your brain would try and work out what Terry Venables had done to that bison to make a child cry. Human beings love to hear stories. This category also considers things like writing and direction.

3. Music
Music is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a child silently cry next to a tree. This category includes soundtrack, specially composed music, incidental music and any more choreographed numbers.

4. Sex
Sex is pretty important to a film. Without it it would be a dead tree and a child crying about his impotence. Sex sells, and many films base their entire narrative on romantic tension. This category also includes hardcore scenes of penetrative boning.

5. Modes of transportation
Modes of transportation are pretty important to a film. Without them it would just be Terry Venables sat on a dead bison while a child cries up a tree. As well as providing narrative thrust on a figurative level, they are also things which are beloved to many people. This category will discuss who uses transportation in the most positive and appropriate way.

Welcome to Versus Sexboat

This is a test post, so that the idiots in charge of the Versus Sexboat can sort out the appearance of their blog before they begin posting for real. This may be the best post ever on this site, mind you.