Vote 2012

You've got just two days left to vote for which film we review in Versus Sexboat podcast 2! Our current leader is Puss In Boots but all that could well change if you just pull your fucking finger out. If you wish to vote, you can do so in our sidebar.

A word about a potentially contentious issue. Puss In Boots was rated as 7.0 as our project began and, as such, made our film list. It was from that list that we made our shortlist for the podcast 2 vote. However, as is possible with IMDb's rating system, Puss In Boots' rating is currently a completely lousy 6.9. However, we will still review it should it win.

For the avoidance of doubt: the shortlist for all podcasts will have a decision date, at which time all the films would have been rated the same as Sexboat. We accept that these ratings are subject to change in the intervening period. However, that is the nature of the IMDb rating system. We hope and believe that it should not seriously distort the scientific value of our review or your enjoyment of the podcast. Or our alcohol intake.

The problem with pornos

What's the biggest problem with pornographic films? Well, some people would argue that it's the rather one-dimensional spectre of watching a load of people pumping away inside each other. However, I think this actually misses the real point. They are generally not brilliantly written - things like plot and story take a back seat to the necessity for hardcore hot cock fanny action - but worse still is that they are terribly acted.

It's not entirely the fault of the pornographer. Whilst they may have graduated from film school with a pocket full of dreams and barely a semi, the fact is that no matter how lofty your ambitions, if you make a pornographic film you are rather hamstrung by the quality of actors you can get.

Hollywood's star system versus Sexboat (1980)

You've probably heard people like Tom Cruise or Kate Winslet say things like, "I feel that now is the time in my career for a challenge, so what I'd really like to do is try comedy". The vaulting ambition of the actor does not extend far enough for George Clooney to say, "for my next film role I want to do scud porn".

It's something of a Catch-22 situation. Until a big star takes the leap into porn, the reputation of the porn film is likely to remain the same. But their reputation will not be boosted until they can attract the big names with artistic integrity.

Will the day ever come that, instead of the noted career trajectory of "Porn-Hollywood-Tabloid scandal-I was young and needed the money-Renaissance-Academy Award" ever be inverted? We can but hope. And hope also that if such a thing ever happens and such a film is ever made, that it is rated 7.0 on IMDb.com.

New criterion: The Kelly McGillis test

Even within the framework of our infallible Five Characteristics test, we have to admit that there is scope for refinement. There is a lot of subjectivity to deciding who will prevail and get the point for each criteria. Over the coming weeks we will be trying to refine these with a number of foolproof tests and tiebreakers, so as to improve our accuracy at film reviewing.

Today, a look at a way to boost the accuracy of the first of our criteria, CHARACTERS.

The believability of a character in a film or an actor's portrayal are incredibly subjective. Every film viewer brings with them different life experiences. Maybe some will have met a person just like the Captain from Sexboat, whereas others will find the whole thing ludicrously contrived. We need something that we can all agree on.

And what everyone can agree on is that Kelly McGillis is the finest actress of all time. She has been in at least two films, for starters. Also, in both of them she ends up getting shagged, which makes her an ideal reference point when comparing anything to Sexboat (1980). In future, where we just can't decide if our featured film or Sexboat has the best characters, we will be asking: "which film do you think Kelly McGillis would rather be in?".

In this surefire way, you can guarantee the absolute accuracy of our assessment of the characters criteria.

Sexboat democracy

Here at Versus Sexboat we have a list of films to watch, all of which were also rated 7.0 out of 10 on IMDb on the day we began planning this project, Sunday 15th January 2012 (one of them has since slipped to a pathetic 6.9). It is a fearsome list - an IMDb search for things rated 7.0 runs to over 11,000 titles - and as we are usually drunk and always stupid (Betsy aside) we realised the best way to go about choosing the next film to watch would be to ask our listeners.

So this is what we have done. In the sidebar over to the right of the page you will find a POLL. Here you can vote for which one of the four films we should watch for the second Versus Sexboat podcast. More information about the films can be found here:

Crank (2006)
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)
Puss In Boots (2011)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Voting closes at Midnight on Tuesday 31st January 2012. Drinking commences shortly after that.

Podcast 1: Grease (1978) Versus Sexboat

Versus Sexboat is a podcast which aims to fill a knowledge gap. Even with all the advantages of the modern world, there will come a time when you're trying to pick a film to watch but your choices have the exact same rating on IMDb.com. We all know that no two films are alike. This is the blindspot of the film review and rating system. Versus Sexboat is the podcast equivalent of those little extra car door mirrors that people who tow caravan stick on.

What we need is a control subject. We chose Sexboat (1980), the high seas comedy porn romp, rated on Sunday January 15th 2012 at IMDb.com as 7.0 out of 10. Every edition of the Versus Sexboat podcast, we will take another film rated 7.0 by the same site and pit its strengths and weaknesses against the established baseline of Sexboat to see which prevails. There'll be no winner stays on or any such gimmick: we're trying to be scientific here!

The first 7.0-rated film to run the Sexboat gauntlet was Grease (1978), the seminal  romantic comedy musical set in 1950s America where cars were beautiful, milkshakes were plentiful, quiffs were obligatory and the minimum age for High School graduation was seemingly 35. Grease is a film beloved of many people, but is it better than Sexboat? Join the Versus Sexboat crew 5olly, Betsy and Dotmund as they try and figure this out using their patented Five Characteristics of a Great Film criteria.

PLEASE NOTE: The Versus Sexboat podcast contains swearing and discussions of an adult, sexual and downright pig ignorant nature and is not intended for minors. Or even miners, probably.

Grease (1978) Vs. Sexboat (1980) by 5olly

The Five Characteristics of a Good Film

Here at Versus Sexboat, we quickly realised that comparing films to Sexboat (1980) would be futile without an understanding of what makes a film great in the first place. So after literally minutes of thought, we (your heroes) decided on this five-point list of criteria on which every film's strengths and weaknesses will be assessed.

1. Characters
Characters are pretty important things to have in a film. Otherwise you'd just be looking at a photograph of a tree. But even then you'd be trying to project a personality onto that tree, or imagining that there was a squirrel or an owl in it. This first category also includes aspects of acting performances, another vital cog in any good film's engine.

2. Storyline and plot
Storyline is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a series of completely random images: a tree, a crying child, a herd of bison, Terry Venables. But even then your brain would try and work out what Terry Venables had done to that bison to make a child cry. Human beings love to hear stories. This category also considers things like writing and direction.

3. Music
Music is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a child silently cry next to a tree. This category includes soundtrack, specially composed music, incidental music and any more choreographed numbers.

4. Sex
Sex is pretty important to a film. Without it it would be a dead tree and a child crying about his impotence. Sex sells, and many films base their entire narrative on romantic tension. This category also includes hardcore scenes of penetrative boning.

5. Modes of transportation
Modes of transportation are pretty important to a film. Without them it would just be Terry Venables sat on a dead bison while a child cries up a tree. As well as providing narrative thrust on a figurative level, they are also things which are beloved to many people. This category will discuss who uses transportation in the most positive and appropriate way.

Welcome to Versus Sexboat

This is a test post, so that the idiots in charge of the Versus Sexboat can sort out the appearance of their blog before they begin posting for real. This may be the best post ever on this site, mind you.