Sexboat scandal

As we all know, democracy doesn't work. The wise old owls at Versus Sexboat knew this all along, actually. It's why they only go to vote if the pub is on the way.

What we really believe in, then, is that we don't want to watch Marley & Me, the piece of shit dogbound weepy with her out of Friends and him with the nose in it, shooting their labrador in the face with a blunderbuss. No way no how. A number of straws, clearly, needed to be clutched at.

One possible avenue for a get-out clause we discussed was that, like the French economy, Sexboat (1980) has now been downgraded to a mere 6.8 on IMDb.com. However, we'd already discussed the vagaries of the rating system and our intricate series of cut-off points and safeguards. Bugger.

But then, a godsend. Dotmund's mum's terminal illness took a turn for the worse. All celebrated wildly, as rogue elements came out of the woodwork and admitted to us that they may well have nobbled the previous vote in favour of Marley & Me, but that given the new circumstances, the most lachrymose film ever made is probably not what we all needed to see right now.

So, we have disregarded the results of the previous film vote. We could have moved down the line and watched the second-place choice, The Inbetweeners Movie, but as we all know from an actual referendum, Britain is morally opposed to the Alternate Vote electoral system. Plus Nick Clegg is a fucking cunt.

So, what will be the subject of our next podcast? I'm not sure. I considered the possibility of putting up a new vote, but then I realised you'd all abused your privileges and therefore needed to be punished. As such, I think we will pick. So if you don't like it, you only have yourselves to blame.

And the Greeks, for inventing democracy in the first place.

New criterion: The Kelly McGillis test

Even within the framework of our infallible Five Characteristics test, we have to admit that there is scope for refinement. There is a lot of subjectivity to deciding who will prevail and get the point for each criteria. Over the coming weeks we will be trying to refine these with a number of foolproof tests and tiebreakers, so as to improve our accuracy at film reviewing.

Today, a look at a way to boost the accuracy of the first of our criteria, CHARACTERS.

The believability of a character in a film or an actor's portrayal are incredibly subjective. Every film viewer brings with them different life experiences. Maybe some will have met a person just like the Captain from Sexboat, whereas others will find the whole thing ludicrously contrived. We need something that we can all agree on.

And what everyone can agree on is that Kelly McGillis is the finest actress of all time. She has been in at least two films, for starters. Also, in both of them she ends up getting shagged, which makes her an ideal reference point when comparing anything to Sexboat (1980). In future, where we just can't decide if our featured film or Sexboat has the best characters, we will be asking: "which film do you think Kelly McGillis would rather be in?".

In this surefire way, you can guarantee the absolute accuracy of our assessment of the characters criteria.