New criterion: The Kelly McGillis test

Even within the framework of our infallible Five Characteristics test, we have to admit that there is scope for refinement. There is a lot of subjectivity to deciding who will prevail and get the point for each criteria. Over the coming weeks we will be trying to refine these with a number of foolproof tests and tiebreakers, so as to improve our accuracy at film reviewing.

Today, a look at a way to boost the accuracy of the first of our criteria, CHARACTERS.

The believability of a character in a film or an actor's portrayal are incredibly subjective. Every film viewer brings with them different life experiences. Maybe some will have met a person just like the Captain from Sexboat, whereas others will find the whole thing ludicrously contrived. We need something that we can all agree on.

And what everyone can agree on is that Kelly McGillis is the finest actress of all time. She has been in at least two films, for starters. Also, in both of them she ends up getting shagged, which makes her an ideal reference point when comparing anything to Sexboat (1980). In future, where we just can't decide if our featured film or Sexboat has the best characters, we will be asking: "which film do you think Kelly McGillis would rather be in?".

In this surefire way, you can guarantee the absolute accuracy of our assessment of the characters criteria.

The Five Characteristics of a Good Film

Here at Versus Sexboat, we quickly realised that comparing films to Sexboat (1980) would be futile without an understanding of what makes a film great in the first place. So after literally minutes of thought, we (your heroes) decided on this five-point list of criteria on which every film's strengths and weaknesses will be assessed.

1. Characters
Characters are pretty important things to have in a film. Otherwise you'd just be looking at a photograph of a tree. But even then you'd be trying to project a personality onto that tree, or imagining that there was a squirrel or an owl in it. This first category also includes aspects of acting performances, another vital cog in any good film's engine.

2. Storyline and plot
Storyline is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a series of completely random images: a tree, a crying child, a herd of bison, Terry Venables. But even then your brain would try and work out what Terry Venables had done to that bison to make a child cry. Human beings love to hear stories. This category also considers things like writing and direction.

3. Music
Music is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a child silently cry next to a tree. This category includes soundtrack, specially composed music, incidental music and any more choreographed numbers.

4. Sex
Sex is pretty important to a film. Without it it would be a dead tree and a child crying about his impotence. Sex sells, and many films base their entire narrative on romantic tension. This category also includes hardcore scenes of penetrative boning.

5. Modes of transportation
Modes of transportation are pretty important to a film. Without them it would just be Terry Venables sat on a dead bison while a child cries up a tree. As well as providing narrative thrust on a figurative level, they are also things which are beloved to many people. This category will discuss who uses transportation in the most positive and appropriate way.