This time, definitely

As our growing band of loyal Sexboateers will be only too aware, our grand plan to be democratic and let you choose our next film ran aground (boating metaphor) when we discovered at rather-too-crucial a stage (i.e. we'd just got back from the boozer ready to start watching the film and taking notes) that we did not in fact have a copy of Die Hard 2 (1990). Boy, were our faces red. Our noses were, certainly.

However, our spirits and livers hardened by potential failure, we still managed to get a good podcast out of it, as you will know. In fact, Podcast 2, The Good Life (1975) versus Sexboat (1980) has just won the prestigious Prix de Rome Podcast Gold avex Sexy Boatsex at this year's ceremony in Royal Wootton Bassett.

However, this weekend, democracy will once again prove to be a good thing, unlike YOU thought as Podcast 3 emerges from the waves (boating metaphor) and comes in your ears. How will we rate the gun-heavy exploits of John McClane as he systematically destroys Washington D.C.'s Dulles Airport on Christmas Eve, against the cock-heavy antics of those two blokes who stowaway on a boat and turn it into a sexboat by systematically destroying every available vagina? And will any of our decisions be swayed by the fact that Betsy's mum has a crush on Dennis Franz?

Keep your eyes peeled for the next film vote which will be announced on this very blog next week. Also, hopefully we will soon be ready to announce some exciting news about guest commentators on future Versus Sexboat podcasts, just as soon as we've managed to break some people out of the psychiatric hospital that watching Sexboat (1980) put them in.

Please note: There are still a few hours left to vote for the beverage that will fuel our Die Hard 2 podcast! You can make your choice in our sidebar to the right of the page. Go on! The worst that can happen is that we'll ignore it (we probably will).

Watch with mother

As many as our avid followers are aware, this blog is all about Sexboat (1980).
However, what few people will admit is that they've actually seen it.

Well now I'm here to fix that!

Admittedly I won't force anyone to watch the whole thing. The Plot might be considered too deep, the Characterisation too flawed, and let's admit it, the Modes of Transportation however are a completely different matter. But anyway, I'm not discussing one or the other in this blog post.

A hopefully unnecessary WARNING: This film, as you may already have guessed, is a PORNOGRAPHIC FILM and therefore contains scenes of your actual real-life monkey business. Please don't complain to us if you decided to show it to your kids. We will laugh at you. We honestly will.

Our next film - Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

Rejoicing is unconfined at Versus Sexboat this morning (well, 66.6% of it, 5olly voted for Puss In Boots) as the results of our poll to decide our next film are in and the winner is Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990). A late surge took it across the line with just hours to spare! The full results were as follows:

1st: Die Hard 2 - 6 votes (37%)
2nd: Crank - 5 votes (31%)
2nd: Puss In Boots - 5 votes (31%)
4th: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - 0 votes (0%)

Total votes: 16
Abstentions: 6,999,999,984

W. B. Willis in action

So, our next podcast will pit the endless virtues of Sexboat (1980) against Renny Harlin's action-adventure Christmas fairytale Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990). Will the story of Bruce Willis pitting his wits and courage against a band of ex-military terrorists on Christmas Eve with a weather eye on saving his wife so that they can have a bunk up prevail? And how many times does Dennis Franz say "fuck"? All these questions and more will be, if not answered, then at least asked.

Hopefully the next Versus Sexboat podcast will be along in the next week or so, depending on how much we drink (we tried to record one for the Podcast Wank Bank on Saturday but 5olly fell asleep and I drew a tortoise instead of making notes).

A tortoise

Vote 2012

You've got just two days left to vote for which film we review in Versus Sexboat podcast 2! Our current leader is Puss In Boots but all that could well change if you just pull your fucking finger out. If you wish to vote, you can do so in our sidebar.

A word about a potentially contentious issue. Puss In Boots was rated as 7.0 as our project began and, as such, made our film list. It was from that list that we made our shortlist for the podcast 2 vote. However, as is possible with IMDb's rating system, Puss In Boots' rating is currently a completely lousy 6.9. However, we will still review it should it win.

For the avoidance of doubt: the shortlist for all podcasts will have a decision date, at which time all the films would have been rated the same as Sexboat. We accept that these ratings are subject to change in the intervening period. However, that is the nature of the IMDb rating system. We hope and believe that it should not seriously distort the scientific value of our review or your enjoyment of the podcast. Or our alcohol intake.

The problem with pornos

What's the biggest problem with pornographic films? Well, some people would argue that it's the rather one-dimensional spectre of watching a load of people pumping away inside each other. However, I think this actually misses the real point. They are generally not brilliantly written - things like plot and story take a back seat to the necessity for hardcore hot cock fanny action - but worse still is that they are terribly acted.

It's not entirely the fault of the pornographer. Whilst they may have graduated from film school with a pocket full of dreams and barely a semi, the fact is that no matter how lofty your ambitions, if you make a pornographic film you are rather hamstrung by the quality of actors you can get.

Hollywood's star system versus Sexboat (1980)

You've probably heard people like Tom Cruise or Kate Winslet say things like, "I feel that now is the time in my career for a challenge, so what I'd really like to do is try comedy". The vaulting ambition of the actor does not extend far enough for George Clooney to say, "for my next film role I want to do scud porn".

It's something of a Catch-22 situation. Until a big star takes the leap into porn, the reputation of the porn film is likely to remain the same. But their reputation will not be boosted until they can attract the big names with artistic integrity.

Will the day ever come that, instead of the noted career trajectory of "Porn-Hollywood-Tabloid scandal-I was young and needed the money-Renaissance-Academy Award" ever be inverted? We can but hope. And hope also that if such a thing ever happens and such a film is ever made, that it is rated 7.0 on IMDb.com.

New criterion: The Kelly McGillis test

Even within the framework of our infallible Five Characteristics test, we have to admit that there is scope for refinement. There is a lot of subjectivity to deciding who will prevail and get the point for each criteria. Over the coming weeks we will be trying to refine these with a number of foolproof tests and tiebreakers, so as to improve our accuracy at film reviewing.

Today, a look at a way to boost the accuracy of the first of our criteria, CHARACTERS.

The believability of a character in a film or an actor's portrayal are incredibly subjective. Every film viewer brings with them different life experiences. Maybe some will have met a person just like the Captain from Sexboat, whereas others will find the whole thing ludicrously contrived. We need something that we can all agree on.

And what everyone can agree on is that Kelly McGillis is the finest actress of all time. She has been in at least two films, for starters. Also, in both of them she ends up getting shagged, which makes her an ideal reference point when comparing anything to Sexboat (1980). In future, where we just can't decide if our featured film or Sexboat has the best characters, we will be asking: "which film do you think Kelly McGillis would rather be in?".

In this surefire way, you can guarantee the absolute accuracy of our assessment of the characters criteria.

Sexboat democracy

Here at Versus Sexboat we have a list of films to watch, all of which were also rated 7.0 out of 10 on IMDb on the day we began planning this project, Sunday 15th January 2012 (one of them has since slipped to a pathetic 6.9). It is a fearsome list - an IMDb search for things rated 7.0 runs to over 11,000 titles - and as we are usually drunk and always stupid (Betsy aside) we realised the best way to go about choosing the next film to watch would be to ask our listeners.

So this is what we have done. In the sidebar over to the right of the page you will find a POLL. Here you can vote for which one of the four films we should watch for the second Versus Sexboat podcast. More information about the films can be found here:

Crank (2006)
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)
Puss In Boots (2011)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Voting closes at Midnight on Tuesday 31st January 2012. Drinking commences shortly after that.

The Five Characteristics of a Good Film

Here at Versus Sexboat, we quickly realised that comparing films to Sexboat (1980) would be futile without an understanding of what makes a film great in the first place. So after literally minutes of thought, we (your heroes) decided on this five-point list of criteria on which every film's strengths and weaknesses will be assessed.

1. Characters
Characters are pretty important things to have in a film. Otherwise you'd just be looking at a photograph of a tree. But even then you'd be trying to project a personality onto that tree, or imagining that there was a squirrel or an owl in it. This first category also includes aspects of acting performances, another vital cog in any good film's engine.

2. Storyline and plot
Storyline is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a series of completely random images: a tree, a crying child, a herd of bison, Terry Venables. But even then your brain would try and work out what Terry Venables had done to that bison to make a child cry. Human beings love to hear stories. This category also considers things like writing and direction.

3. Music
Music is pretty important to a film. Without it you'd just be watching a child silently cry next to a tree. This category includes soundtrack, specially composed music, incidental music and any more choreographed numbers.

4. Sex
Sex is pretty important to a film. Without it it would be a dead tree and a child crying about his impotence. Sex sells, and many films base their entire narrative on romantic tension. This category also includes hardcore scenes of penetrative boning.

5. Modes of transportation
Modes of transportation are pretty important to a film. Without them it would just be Terry Venables sat on a dead bison while a child cries up a tree. As well as providing narrative thrust on a figurative level, they are also things which are beloved to many people. This category will discuss who uses transportation in the most positive and appropriate way.

Welcome to Versus Sexboat

This is a test post, so that the idiots in charge of the Versus Sexboat can sort out the appearance of their blog before they begin posting for real. This may be the best post ever on this site, mind you.